


Yellow

by phanfictrashalex



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse Mentions, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, Homophobia, Hospitalisation, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, plant!phil, space!dan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 23:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20105773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanfictrashalex/pseuds/phanfictrashalex
Summary: A new boy moved in next to him, his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, and school was starting back after the holidays. What makes it worse, is that the new boy is kind of cute and Dan’s straight.





	1. 01:00

**Author's Note:**

> hi! I will be adding more tags in as I read over it more.

The day finally came that Dan was waking up to an alarm again. It was his first day back to school since winter break. Going back was something that he hadn't been looking forward to since he got out.

He knew that he could probably get a better job with a school degree, but sometimes he was to the point where he wanted to completely drop out of school and find some shit job.

Dan liked to learn, that wasn't the problem. The problem was the people in his school the teachers and the students. He liked school up until high school started.

He always had people that he could talk to and hang out with, but when high school started that all changed. People started to change they began finding new friend groups and altogether ditched Dan. They probably had something going on in their lives, or that's what he told himself not wanting to dwell on it too much.

Dan wasn't too introverted. He didn't have to always be alone, but to mentally be able to handle a large crowd of people he had to have space for a few days so he didn't go completely insane.

High school became one of his worst nightmares whenever his dad left, he felt as if it was his fault. 

-

It was 7 that morning, and his mother was yelling at him to get out of bed reminding him that he had school.

He finally got out of bed after 5 minutes of her poking at him to get up. He finds what clothes he is going to wear, a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, his black converse, and a leather jacket to go over his shirt.

Dan gets out of the house by 7:30. He had to walk to school, but he wouldn't count it as the worst part of his day. Getting there was. Having to hear whatever drama went on over winter break, and their teachers yelling at them for whatever reason they can think of. It was the worst at times, and this is the reason that Dan didn't want to go back.

He puts on music as he tries to drown out the world around him for as long as he can before getting to school. After a 10 minute walk, he finally gets there.

It wasn't the fact that he was popular he wouldn't change that for the world. It was the fact that he didn't have any real friends. Most people came and stayed for his fame and popularity.

He was glad that it wasn't like his elementary school days. Those were the days when he got bullied the most. Anymore he was the one who was known to kick someone's ass if they tried to pick on him. People would make fun of his height, his hair, and his dimples. Anything they could think of they would use as an insult. It was quite tiring so he was glad when he did move.

The goal when he did move was to get on everyone's good side, the teacher's, the kid's, and become the popular kid. At this point, Dan started to straighten his hair because he didn't like his naturally curly hair. 

-

This was another reason he didn't like going to school. He had to put on a character, be someone that he wasn't. He had to always get good grades, dress nice, straighten his hair, be this person who did all of these things. When in reality, all he wanted to do was go home and look on tumblr and stop having to put on an act for people to like him.

If putting on an act meant that he didn't get called a faggot every day, he was okay with it. The thing was, he wasn't even gay! He had never had a homosexual thought in his life. He didn't know where people were ever getting the assumption that he was gay to begin with.

-

It was time for class to start. Everyone gathered into a room and got taught the same thing one class after the other. It wasn't that he didn't like learning, it was the fact that he didn't like learning the same thing over and over again.

The teacher started speaking, Dan not really paying attention, all he wanted to know is what they were doing so he could get it over with. He didn't care that it was the day after winter break and everyone was probably exhausted.

Finally, after 20 minutes of lecturing them about getting more sleep and behaving, they got their assignments. This happened in every class that day, even getting lectured before lunch and reminded the rules.

"Hey what's up?" Chris turned to Dan and asked him.

It was currently lunch, everyone was talking at the top of their lungs to hear one another.

He shrugged at Chris, "Nothing much, would rather be at home though,"

Everyone in their group laughed at that and agreed. "I'm sure everyone wants to go home right now. The amount of times they've repeated the _same_ thing over and over again is getting annoying."

Someone new caught Dan's eye, they were a boy with blue eyes, black hair, very pale skin, and about the same height as Dan. He had to be new, Dan had never seen him before in his life.

"Do you know who that is?" Dan said, pointing in the boy's direction.

Chris and Pj turned around to look at him. "Yeah, he's in my English class," Pj said. "His name is Phil."

"He looks like he belongs in a garden or something; not in this hell hole," Louise replied with. Dan knew that she wasn't wrong, there was no way that he was going to last a day without getting attacked.

"Yeah, I think he'll find his way around though," Dan sighs, "He seems to be getting along with a few people anyway."

It was nearing the end of lunch, preparing to go to his last few classes of the day.

He got to his sixth-period class, and Phil was one of his classmates in that class. Their teacher gave them another lecture and told them that tomorrow they would be paired up for a project that they'd have to do.

Dan always hated projects like these, he was the one who did all of the work for the person to still get full credit for it when they did nothing to help. This was something that he was going to have to mentally prepare for all night, doing a whole project by himself that was probably going to be due at the end of the week on top of whatever other bullshit the teachers gave him.

By the end of that class period, he decided that Phil was too innocent to be in this school with these people. He was a grade ahead of Dan, taking some classes that he didn't take at his old school so he could get caught up and graduate.

When Dan got out of class, he was heading to his locker when someone stopped him.

Dan turned around to see that it was Phil, who might as well be called plant boy, standing in front of him.

"Hi- sorry, do you know where the health room is?" Phil nervously asked.

"Yeah, it's down the hall third door on your right." Dan thought he might as well be nice to him, he didn't seem like a complete dick.

After stopping at his locker; he made his way to his last class of the day, which was math. This was the only class that he had with Chris and Louise.

He saw them as soon as he stepped foot into the classroom. They were lucky enough to be able to sit by each other because they never would talk when the teacher was trying to talk.

They got yet another lecture, he was sick of them after the first two he got at the start of the day. He knew enough about the rules to not have to hear this for the seventh time that day.

When they finally got dismissed from class, he talked to Chris, Pj, Louise, and Cat for a little bit before waving his goodbyes and saying that he'd see them tomorrow. Dan then began his walk home. This was the time when he could breathe and think about everything that had gone on in school the previous few hours.

-

He finally got home, looking out of the window for a bit before starting on his homework that he had to do for the night. When he was looking out of his window, he saw that plant boy was walking into the house next door. So, they were neighbours, he knew that the house was for sale but didn't expect for anyone with kids around Dan's age to move into it.

_This was going to be a fun few months_, Dan thought. From that second on, it became Dan's task to avoid Phil as much as he could.

He sent a message in the group chat that he and his friends were in, '_You will never believe who my new neighbour is_,'

'_omg who is it?_' Chis replied.

'_You know plant boy or whatever his name is?_'

'_... You can't be serious_'

'_I, unfortunately, am being serious_,'

Dan fell onto his bed, he knew that he had to get up in a little bit and do some of his homework, but the realisation that this boy is his neighbour for some reason scared him more than anything.

His mother came up, telling him that the food was ready. After eating, he went back upstairs and started on his hours of homework that he had to do. This was something that he was sadly used to, being in advanced classes was the worst at times.

Dan put some music on and started right away on his work. After about three hours he finally finished it and decided that it was time for him to get some sleep.

He looked out of the window for a little bit, looking at the stars and the moon. This was one of the things that really interested him, space. Everyone knew that he was like a genius when it came to be anything space-related.

These types of things normally relaxed him, taking his mind off of the world and everything going on around him. He could sit and just relax, not have to worry about homework or people at school.

He then finally laid down and went to sleep after a few hours of twisting and turning, even if he seemed like he was always hyper and had enough sleep, most of the time he never got enough sleep unless he was on break. Dan was always studying and trying to figure out his life, that's why on break he didn't want to see anyone for a few days. Needing the time to mentally recover from everything.

-

It was the next day, getting up and doing the same thing that morning as he did the last. Today he was finding out who his partner was for the project, Dan could only hope for someone who would actually help him work on it rather than sit around and do literally none of it.

He got to school and went on with his day as normal. What was unusual is, he saw Phil staring at him whenever he got the chance. It wasn't like they had many classes together, but whenever they passed by each other or saw each other in the halls he always caught him staring.

Dan found it rather intimidating, he wasn't gay. He wouldn't understand why anyone who is anything but straight would like him, a heterosexual, boy.

Even if Dan was gay no one would know that, but he's not. He had a record for sleeping around with girls before his ex-girlfriend. There were a few boys that he found kind of cute, but no one that he would date or sleep around with.

Although there was nothing wrong with being gay, he really didn't want Phil to be staring at him the way he did.

Phil just looked kind of.. soft. Dan knew that he was going to be screwed over for the rest of the school year, and he was going to have to talk to someone about it. For all of his upper elementary and middle school years he was always called "gay" and "fag," This was something that he was glad that changed when he moved schools at the start of high school.

He knew the person he could go to is Louise, she was always like a sibling or mother to him, and she always knew how to handle these types of situations. Dan messaged her to meet up at lunch, somewhere they wouldn't be overheard.

-

At lunch Dan was so happy to see Louise, this was something that was eating at him since he saw Phil the day prior.

Plus, it wasn't even like he knew Phil that well, he could be a serial killer for all he knew. He really just wanted to be friends with him, nothing else, that was something that he was positive of.

"What's wrong? You seem worried about something," Louise asked Dan when she saw him.

"We have to go somewhere else to talk about this, I'm not talking about it where other people can hear,"

They walk outside, to the side of the building where no one goes to. This is a place that they agreed would be the safest.

"I don't know what these feelings are," Dan sighed, starting to explaining everything. "It's almost like I want to smile every time I see this plant boy, and there's always this weird feeling in my stomach?"

"Dan, could you possibly have a crush on him?"

"No," Dan said, anger starting to boil up. "There's no way because I'm not gay," He knew that he shouldn't lash out at Louise, she's always so supportive of him and helps with anything she can.

"Alright, do you think you want to try and get to know him a bit better, and maybe be his friend?"

Dan nodded, "I think that might be for the best."

They went back inside before the lunch period ended to find Pj, Chris, and Cat at the table they normally sat at.

"Where were you two? We thought you were skipping the rest of the school day or something." Cat said, concern filling her voice.

Dan looked over at Louise and back at Cat, "We had to talk about something, I was having a bit of a crisis as usual."

She nodded, "Right," She didn't want to take that as an excuse, but she didn't want to bother him over it.

-

The next period was the one he had with Phil, and the one he was getting assigned partners with for a project.

"Right, so I've picked your partners for you." The teacher began to speak, most of the time Dan would ignore her but he didn't want to be paired up with some rude kid this time.

The last time he was paired up with someone he had to do all of the work himself and the kid never even showed up to help with any of it.

"Phil, you're paired up with Dan," He heard and looked over at Phil. Great, this next week or two was going to be wonderful for Dan.

Even if he wanted to get to know Phil, he didn't want it to be because they had to do some stupid project together. Plus, when it came to school work, Dan was an overachiever. Always wanting everything to go his way and he wanted everything to be perfect.

After the class ended, Phil found Dan and they started to plan out when they wanted to start on it.

"Right, here's my mobile number we can figure out times to do it after school or whenever if you want." Phil softly said to Dan.

Dan nodded and walked on to his next class, trying to get Phil out of his mind. He was straight for god's sake, for all he knew Phil could want to kill him.


	2. 02:00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm

It was after school now, and Dan was trying to figure out what he was going to message Phil. They had to do the project, and Dan wasn't about to give up just because some new kid at his school is his partner.

He decided that he would go with a simple '_hi this is dan, your partner for the project.._' so it wouldn't seem over the top.

As he was waiting for a reply, he was on his way to the park which happened to be his hangout spot. It was quiet, peaceful, and a place where he could collect his thoughts most of the time. He could swing for hours and be fine with it, as long as no one was bothering him.

His phone went off, notifying him that he had a new message.

'_Hi! I'm Phil.. do you want to come over in an hour or two and we'll get started on it._'

Dan looked down at his phone and smiled; he decided to save Phil's name as _plant boy_ as that's truly what he reminded Dan of, someone who likes plants.

'_alright, no need for your address because i don't know if you knew this but we live right beside each other,_' He hoped that didn't sound too weird.

'_Oh! That'll make this easier on the both of us then!_'

'_right, i'll be there in about an hour_'

A nice walk in nature wasn't going to solve all of Dan's problems, but it would help clear his mind a little bit. That's why he did it, as it's always good to get some fresh air.

It was about an hour later and he was showing up at Phil's house, deciding to text him instead of knock.

'i'm outside your house'

'Alright, I'll be there to open the door in a bit!'

About a minute went by before he heard the door opening, creaking as it went.

"Hi," Phil said, smiling at Dan. "Come in!"

Dan walked into the house, the floor was hardwood and the walls were painted a beige colour. Everything looked almost in place, a few boxes here and there as they moved in a few days ago.

Phil led him upstairs into his room. You could defiantly tell that it was Phil's room with how colourful it was. The duvet consisted of blues and greens, there was a bunch of little stuffed animals everywhere and the rug was even a light blue colour with fluffy material. He had a bunch of plants in his room, just like Dan suspected he did.

"Right. Where do you want to get started on the project?" Phil said cheerfully.

This was new, he was actually going to have help on a project for once. "We probably need to research a little bit more on it before just jumping into it."

Phil nodded, "Okay, we can do that. I got the poster board that the teacher wanted it on, so whenever we get finished with researching we can get started on that!"

-

An hour or two went by and they finally got the project done.

"Do you want to play Mario Kart?" Phil asked.

"Of course! I will kick your ass though," He smiled at Phil.

A few rounds and Dan winning all of them before they realised that it was starting to get late and Dan better head home.

"Cya," Phil said as Dan was walking out of the door.

"Bye," He waved at Phil.

He then walked across the yard to his house, going to shower after he got in. Dan didn't like to have to wake up earlier just to shower so he always made sure to do it at night.

When he got into the bathroom, turning the water nobs on, he decided to think about everything that had happened that day.

Stepping into the shower, he let his mind wander a little bit more. He was thinking about everything that happened at Phil's. It wasn't the playfulness that naturally came to him when he was playing a video game with someone. It was Phil's eyes and overall everything.

Dan's only problem with that was that he wasn't gay, and he didn't know why these thoughts kept coming in his head telling him that he might actually like Phil, because he knew for a fact that he didn't.

Just like that, all of the memories of elementary school came back to him. The name-calling, '_faggot_', '_homo_' and '_burn in hell_'. Those were the memories that he wanted to desperately leave behind, never have to come back to.

Before he realised it, he was crying. Dan never wanted to have to go through that again, the constant name-calling and physical contact because he was just slightly different than everyone else.

That's why he tried so hard to fit into his current school when he first started going to it, and he then became known as the popular kid. Sometimes he wished that life was easier, that he didn't have to go through all of that and move schools, but then he realises that he would've never met Cat, Chris, or Louise.

He finally got out of the shower, still silently weeping into his hands. After drying off a little bit and putting his nightclothes on, he went back into his room and sat at his windowsill. Dan decided that counting the stars may help him sleep.

Dan looked over and saw Phil glancing out of his window, possibly watching Dan. That's when he decided that he was done looking out of the window for tonight.

He closed his curtains, going to sit on his bed. That's when the thoughts came back, and the crying started again. There was something about Phil that set everything in him off, and not in a good way.

That's when he slipped when the thoughts got even worse. He had to do something about it, he was shit at coping with things like this. He found a pencil sharpener, tearing the blade off of it and putting it down onto his skin. Sliding over his skin with it a few times, seeing the blood come out was calming to him. Then came the feeling of regret.

He went into the bathroom and got some wet tissues to wipe the blood off. There was a pit of regret growing inside of him, but it felt good to do.

It was something that he hadn't done in years, promising his mother that he wouldn't do it again after she found his blades and saw the scars on his wrists.

-

It was difficult to get out of bed the next morning, after last night Dan sat in his bed quietly crying until about 3 am.

The temperature was supposed to be pretty high, and he was going to have to wear a long sleeve shirt just to hide what happened last night. He was still feeling emotionally drained after crying so much the night before and having a mental breakdown along with it.

He picked out a striped long sleeve shirt, and some black skinny jeans to go along with it. Sometimes he didn't put on an act, those were the times he was extremely down and sad.

Picking up a fruit bar on his way out for breakfast, he started walking to school. He hoped that it wasn't going to be a hard day because he didn't know how much he could take after last night.

As he started walking he heard someone running up behind him. He turned around to see that it was Phil, running from his house to catch up with Dan.

"Hi, sorry I didn't know what time you left in the mornings," Phil said, taking in deep breaths from running.

"Oh, it's okay." He signed, he didn't want to be walking with Phil to school after last night but he didn't want to seem rude about it.

"Do you normally look outside at night?"

Dan hesitates to answer that question. He remembered everything so vividly last night. "Yeah, I've always been interested in space and I've even studied it a bit. The stars also calm me down some when I'm feeling stressed out," Dan shrugged.

That was the first time that anyone had asked him about space in years. The last time he remembers someone asking him about space is elementary school when he would read a bunch of space-related books.

The rest of the walk to school was in silence, a few questions were asked but not too much. That was something that Dan was grateful for.

When they got to school they went their separate ways, waving goodbye to each other. Dan stood there thinking for a second, not even realising that Louise was behind him.

"Are you okay?" She asked

"Yeah, just thinking a lot."

"It's about Phil, isn't it? Did you work on the project last night?"

Dan nodded.

"How did that go then?"

"It went well, he did his fair share of the work and we ended up playing some Mario Kart afterwards." He shrugged at her.

"That's good." She sighed out, "Why are you wearing a long sleeve shirt it's supposed to be hot out today."

"I don't know, I just felt like it," Dan didn't want to explain anything that happened last night after getting home from seeing Phil. It was something that he would rather push down until the problem itself was gone.

Then the thought came up, what if it's never gone. He was going to have to deal with not only having Phil as a classmate but being neighbours with him as well.

Even when they've gone their separate ways to university, they would still see each other when they came home for the holidays.

The problem would never be gone, it was just creating more problems. Not that he was trying to say that Phil was a problem, all of it was just a difficult and confusing time for him.

-

As the day went on, they would pass each other glances when they passed each other in the hallways, waving and smiling when they had time until it came to lunch.

Dan went to find Louise, the girl that could help him with just about anything. While he was looking for her, he accidentally bumped into Phil.

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay, can I join you for lunch?"

"Um, yeah, I need to find and talk to Louise first though."

They went on and finally found Louise, Dan dragging her outside. He asked Phil to stay inside, and he was okay with it.

He explained to her his crisis last night, skipping over bits and pieces of it that he didn't want to talk about.

"Louise, this entire thing scares me," Dan, on the verge of tears, said "I don't want to be known as the gay kid, it's what I was known as for a long time and it took moving schools to get rid of it,"

She nodded at him, "I understand that and you don't have to use any labels that you don't feel comfortable with, you just need to try and be more comfortable with the fact that you possibly like this boy,"

"Okay, I understand that, but what do I do when I get rejected and he goes on to tell the entire school about what happened?"

"That's to worry about if that were to happen, and I don't think he knows anyone else in this town besides you. I don't think he would get too far with that,"

Dan nodded, agreeing with what she said. He knew that but the possibility of anything like that happening scared him more than it should've.

"Right, maybe we should go back inside before he and all of our other friends start to worry that we disappeared or something,"

They went inside, telling Phil that they were done with their conversation. Doing so, they went on to the actual cafeteria finding Chris and Cat.

After lunch, they went on to their class together. They turned in their project, which was done about a week before it needed to be, but all of Dan's teachers were used to it.

At the end of the day, Phil ran catching up with Dan once again.

"Where are you going? This isn't the way to our houses," Phil asked.

"I'm going to the park, you can go to your house if you wish."

"Why are you going to the park? Are you meeting someone?"

"What? No!" Dan laughed, "I just like to go and clear my head sometimes, I normally go after school,"

"Okay, can I come with you?"

"Yeah of course,"

They walked alongside by side in silence, Dan overthinking as he does, and Phil just walking along beside him not saying anything.

When they finally got to the park, Dan led Phil to a tree that he liked to sit by. It was peaceful and no one came around it.

"I like to sit here if there are too many people at the playground," Dan smiled, "If there's no one over there I like to go and swing."

After a while, Dan wanted to do something besides sitting at the tree.

He got up, poked Phil and yelled "tag!" before running away in the general direction of their houses.

"What the- Okay!" he said chasing after Dan. He finally caught up to him and poked his arm yelling "tag!" as well. They finally got to their houses, slowing down and giggling.

"Do you want to come in?" Dan asked, looking at Phil.

Phil nodded, following Dan inside and up the stairs to his room. He went over and opened the curtains to let some natural sunlight in.

"You can see right inside of my bedroom from here," Phil said, a faint red busting his cheeks.

"Oh, yeah I guess so," Dan signed, "I only look out at night, I do let some sunlight in during the day but I typically don't sit at the window."

"Your room is quite the opposite of mine," Phil laughed, "Mine is all colourful and has flowers, yours is all dark with skulls on the walls,"

"Erm, yeah I guess so," Dan nervously replied.

"It almost is like you're a completely different person at school, I don't know if you've been told that before," Phil slowly said, "I hope that's not offensive or anything," He nervously laughed.

"Oh, that's new," This was something that he hoped wouldn't show at all, but he hadn't been around many people from school.

"I hope one day you don't have to put up an act to hope everyone likes you."

"Yeah, me too," Dan sighed. Sometimes life wasn't as easy as some people made it out to be, but the moments that Dan had with Phil somehow made everything feel okay.


	3. 03:00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide, mentions of homophobia?

For the next few days things went on as Dan would say as normal, Phil didn't bring up that night and they still talked as friends. Nothing changed, and that's what Dan wanted.

One day as they were walking to school, something new came up for them.

"What does the term 'gay' mean?" Phil asked.

"What?"

"I mean I kind of know what it is, but it's forbidden where I moved from." Phil sighed, "If we ever talked about it, we kind of got questioned for it but I figured out that people here a little more open-minded,"

Dan's eyes widened at this, he knew what gay meant when he was 10. It surprised him how close-minded people were in other places.

He decided to explain it to Phil, so he wouldn't feel left out and he didn't want to raise more questions surrounding it

"It's basically a boy having feelings for another boy,"

"Like having a crush?" Phil asked.

"Yeah, like having a crush."

They were almost to school by this point and Dan was glad. He didn't know any other way to explain it to Phil then how he did.

"Oh, that's interesting."

Dan nodded, "Yeah, most people around here learn about it when they're younger."

"You'd raise too much suspicion if you asked about it,"

"That's crazy," Dan thought aloud. This was something that had never crossed Dan's mind before, that some places could be so homophobic that you literally wouldn't be able to say the word.

They were at school by this point and they were going their separate ways until lunch.

Around lunch, Dan decided to go and talk to Louise again, and fill her in on what's happening. It wasn't like they talked every day, they always had something to share. That's what he liked about his friendship with Louise, they could talk about almost anything without it being too awkward.

They both had brought their lunch that day, and as soon as the bell rang for lunch they instantly went and found each other.

"Hi, do you want to go outside?"

"Yeah, have a few things I need to talk with you about,"

She nodded and led the way.

"Alright, so what's going on?"

Dan got a text message from Phil, asking where he was. He decided to tell Phil.

"We have to make this quick since he is coming outside in a few minutes." Dan sighs, "He asked me what being gay meant,"

"Alright, and?"

"I don't know, Louise, it was just kind of awkward,"

"Do you think you have feelings for him?"

"No, of course not."

He didn't know at this point. Phil was everything he wanted in a girl, but he wasn't a girl he was a boy.

"You know it's okay if you do, right? No one is going to judge you for it,"

"Alright, that's enough of that,"

Dan said when he saw Phil.

Phil came outside smiling as brightly as ever.

"Dan, I have a question."

"Yeah?

"It's kind of on the topic that we talked about earlier."

"Go on."

"How do you know if you have.. a crush on someone?"

Dan stared at him for a bit, he couldn't be serious. He gave Louise a look, telling her he needed help. Thankfully she decided to jump in.

"Well, firstly do you think you have a crush on someone?" She asked.

"Maybe, but I've never had a crush on someone before."

"Okay, well, it's almost like butterflies. It's typically a feeling you get when you think of a certain person of course. You think about them a lot and laugh at their shit jokes."

That was something that Dan hadn't been wanting to hear. Does he have a crush on Phil? Everything she described is what he's been feeling, and it's a feeling that he's never gotten with any girl before.

This set Dan in panic. "Dan? Are you okay?" Louise asked, looking at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I'm going to go home for today," Dan said. He felt sick to his stomach, anxiety coursing through his bones. He couldn't be gay, and he didn't understand how he let this happen.

He was falling for another boy, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He'd always been good at dealing with the feeling when he's fallen for a girl, but the feeling hasn't ever been this strong before.

After getting out of their gaze, he decides to run the rest of the way home. When he gets home, he remembers that his mom is working late and she wouldn't be home for a while.

He paces his room for a little bit, Phil wasn't home yet for him to be able to see him through his window. This was something that Dan was thankful for, as he didn't know how much more of Phil he would be able to deal with today.

This is when he decides to try and nap, take his mind off of a few things.

When he finally got to sleep, it was very restless. Phil was in every one of his dreams no matter what they were about, all he could see and focus on was Phil.

He woke up around 6 that evening and decided to take a shower, he didn't want to see Phil then.

In the shower he wept, sorrow filling his brain and wearing him down physically, he couldn't bring himself to care.

After he got out of the shower he looked at himself, looking at the scars covering himself from a few weeks ago. He didn't understand this, he didn't understand anything that was going on in his life at the moment.

The thing that he tried so hard to stay away from has come back to bite him in the ass and he didn't know how to feel about it.

He didn't want to be known as the gay kid in school, and he didn't want to be picked on every time he walked past someone.

Worry was filling his brain so much, at first he didn't hear the knocking on his door. After a minute of it, he went downstairs to see who could down there. His mother had a key to get in, and there was no one else that normally came over.

Dan opened the door to see Phil standing there.

"Hi, sorry for randomly coming over," he said nervously like he wasn't supposed to be there, "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You left quite quickly at school,"

Dan sighed, he didn't want to see Phil. Phil didn't know that he was the reason that Dan had to come home for the day, and he wasn't about to tell him that either.

"Oh, I'm just feeling a bit ill, probably got a cold or something."

"Okay, I was just making sure that you weren't dying or anything," Phil smiled at Dan. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

Dan nodded, after Phil got down the steps he closed the door as hard as he could without it slamming shut.

He went to find his phone, the only person he could trust with his new information was Louise, and he hadn't spoken with her since he darted off earlier. He decided that it would be a good idea to call her and tell her what's up, as he didn't want to go to school the next day.

Since he didn't miss school much, his mother didn't care to let him miss once or twice a semester if he needed to.

After the third or fourth ring, she picked up. "What's up, Dan?"

"I don't think I am going to be at school tomorrow."

"You never miss, what's wrong?"

"Oh you know, I think I am falling for a boy and I don't know how to mentally handle it at this point."

"Is that why you ran off earlier?"

"Yeah kind of, I didn't know really how to handle the situation,"

"Dan, you do know that you're going to have to come to terms with this sooner or later, plus he didn't even know what it meant until you explained it to him,"

"Lousie, he told me that where he's from he could get killed for it, and if he ever moved back there for whatever reason he wouldn't be able to live there."

"Seriously? That's terrible," She sighed, "look Dan we'll miss you tomorrow, I'll just tell them you have a cold or something,"

"Okay, thank you, Lousie."

They hung up a little bit after that. Dan decided that he was going to text Phil so he wouldn't worry about him when he didn't show up in the morning.

To: Phil

8:08pm

'Hey I thought I would tell you that I'm not going to be at school tomorrow because I'm still sick'

From: Phil

'Okay thanks for telling me I would've been worried'

He didn't much sleep that night, he stayed up pacing around his room. All of the thoughts coming back to his mind.

Dan didn't understand why he couldn't just be straight and not have to worry about this, he always thought some boys were kind of cute but not in a crushing way. He'd never felt anything this strongly before, not even for any of his past girlfriends.

He decided to go to the internet, searching 'how do you know if you have a crush on someone.' Going down lists and lists of things that typically happen, most of them to him when he's around Phil. It all was just too much for Dan.

At this point he was getting the butterfly feeling in his stomach, feeling his face get red from blushing around him, and even feeling jealous when he thinks of Phil possibly being with someone else. Jealousy was one of his worst traits as one might say, so it was no surprise that he would be getting jealous over someone else liking Phil if he had a crush on him.

After looking outside for a bit, he looked over into Phil's room. The lights were off, he couldn't see inside of it. He decided that he should go downstairs just so he can breathe a bit more.

He got a glass of water after drinking it he went back upstairs into his room and laid on his bed for the next few hours trying to figure out what he is going to do. He couldn't just quit school because some cute boy has moved in across the street who goes to the same school as he does. He also wanted to be Phil's friend, Phil hadn't done anything to deserve Dan dropping him altogether.

Dan just needed a bit of space, even if it was for one or two days. He had seen Phil just about every day since he moved in next door.

After going back upstairs, he cried for a bit. He didn't understand why he had to make everything so complicated for himself. Always making school harder than it should've been, making it hard to accept the fact that he had a crush on a boy and he didn't know if he was okay with it yet. It just felt like he made existing too hard sometimes.

He thought back to the night that he took the blade down his wrist, thinking about how good it felt, even thinking about the guilt that came after it. This was something that he didn't ever want to get back into, but something about this boy across the street is making it harder for Dan to survive.

In reality, it wasn't the boy's fault, Dan knew that. It was his fault for beating himself up over every little thing. Now he was starting to feel sick, anxiety came rushing through is veins. He couldn't avoid his problem forever, even if he did wish that it would go away after he slept for a little bit.

The problem wasn't Phil, and he's come to accept that fact, it's that he doesn't want to accept himself for possibly being gay. He didn't want to make the same mistakes he made in his previous years and let cutting become addicting. The feeling became bland after a while, after he stopped doing it he realised how much pain it caused those around him. Being blinded by how much mental pain he was in didn't help.

-

He got a few hours of sleep, waking up before his mother did. Dan decided to go downstairs and wait for her to get up so he could speak with her a bit before she headed out.

Sleep was painful, but it was like his own little world where he didn't have to worry about being judged for being different. Anymore all he saw in his dreams was Phil, most nights that's all he dreamed about. Phil's perfect black hair and glowing blue eyes seemed to be everywhere.

Dan heard her coming down the stairs, turning to wait for her to make her way fully down.

"Dan, what are you doing up so early?"

"I couldn't sleep," He sighed.

"Don't you have school?"

"I'm not going today," Dan looked at her. "Mom, I have a question,"

She nodded, "Go on then."

"What if I was.." Dan sighed again, looking down at the floor. "What if I was gay?"

She was in shock, Dan could tell.

"I'll love and accept you no matter what, and you know that," she looked at him. "Is this why you're not wanting to go to school?"

"That, and the fact that I've not been able to sleep for a few nights now."

"Okay, you can take today off but you know you have to go back tomorrow,"

"I know, mom," Dan went and hugged her. "Thanks for talking with me."

As he was eating breakfast, he heard a knock on the door. His mom going to answer it, Dan knew exactly who it was.

"Dan? There's a boy here- his name is Phil."

"I'll be right there!"

He got up to go and see what Phil was there for. The one person that he didn't want to see was at his house.

"Hi," Phil chuckled a bit.

"Hello,"

"You look rough, have trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah, a bit,"

"I came by to make sure you were feeling okay, I know you said you weren't feeling the best last night,"

"Oh, I'm still feeling a bit ill, I should be back at school tomorrow."

"Okay, do you think I could come by and play Mario Kart later?" he looked down at his feet, "Or are you too sick for that?"

"Of course you can," Dan smiled at him.

"I'll see you later, Dan"

Dan shut the door behind him. He didn't understand why he had agreed to play Mario Kart later, all he wanted to do was relax today and not be around any of his classmates. Oh right, the one person he didn't want to see had to live right next door to him.

He went upstairs to retrieve his phone, turning it on to see that Louise had texted him.

Dan decided to call her before classes started.

It rang a few times before she picked up.

"Is there any possibility that you're alone?"

"Pj and Chris are here,"

"They know I'm not coming in today, right?"

"Yeah, now what did you call me for?"

"I think I might be gay,"

"Congratulations on finally accepting that fact, Howell."

"Don't tell anyone please."

"Of course I won't, it's safe with me."

"Thanks, Louise, you're the best."

"Now I have to go to class, catch ya later"

He laid back on his bed, today was going to be a long day for him. He was used to going to school unless he was dying.

-

He fell asleep for a few hours, getting up when he heard someone at the door; who he would assume is Phil. Dan got up and answered it, looking rougher than the previous hours.

"Did you just wake up?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It just looks like it."

Dan nodded, leading Phil into his house and up to his room. Phil hadn't been inside of his house yet, but Dan had been inside of Phil's house.

"So, do you still want to play Mario Kart?"

"Yeah sure, let me get woke up a bit more," Dan sighed. In reality, he didn't want to do anything else but hit his head against a wall. Which led to his next unexpected question.

"Why did you ask about being gay?"

"I don't know, I'd heard the word and always thought that it was bad because that's the way that I was raised," Phil said, nervously playing with the strings on his white hoodie. "But, I've always been different ever since I was younger. I never liked girls in the way other boys did. I've always felt as if it was the word to describe me."

Dan nodded, it was a lot to take in. He didn't know anything about Phil's past, and that's what pushed him to try to befriend him more. Phil was unlike anything else that he had ever seen before, and his difference is what drew Dan to him.

But, Dan being drawn towards another boy wasn't going to end well. He knew that his mom accepted it, but he also understood that not everyone in the world was going to. He didn't even fully know if he was gay or not, he had felt attraction towards girls before.

Labelling himself was going to be the hardest part of this entire thing. He didn't want to have to put a label on it, but it was what society requested from him.

"I think I might be gay," Dan blurted out. He suddenly realised what he had done, getting up to run downstairs even if it was his own house. It was something that he wasn't ready for Phil to know, and it was something that he didn't know how Phil would react to.

Even if Phil had just said he was gay, which he did, it was still scary to Dan to think about what would happen if those kids at school found out about the fact that he might be anything but straight. It was torture that he wasn't ready to go back to, and he didn't know if he was ever going to be ready to go back to it.

Phil came down the stairs after him, making sure that he was okay. All Phil wanted to do was comfort Dan, even if he did nothing else but sit beside him.

"Please don't tell anyone," Dan sobbed out. This wasn't something that he was used to, crying in front of his classmates or anyone in general.

"It's safe with me, as long as you do the same for me."

"Of course," Dan smiled through the tears. Even if he was hurting deep down, Phil somehow brought a smile out of him.

"Is this why you missed school today?"

Dan nodded, he didn't want to tell Phil anything about the fact that he has a massive crush on him, and he didn't want anyone else but Louise knowing.

It was the same Phil that was sitting beside him at this current moment that brought out this side of him. The side where he isn't afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, and it was a side that no one else had seen in years.

His mother saw it sometimes but nothing like this. He usually cried alone at night when no one was around to question him, he was so used to keeping things bottled up that it got easier as time went on.

"I'm sorry for this, for crying and freaking out."

"It's okay, everyone needs to cry sometimes,"

Dan nodded, he knew that but it was becoming a common thing in his life. He would go to school, be all happy and fake everything, come home and breakdown. That's not how he wanted to live and he knew that.

"Do you want to go on a walk?"

"Sure."

"I can come with you if you want."

"I'd love that."

Dan went upstairs to get a hoodie and put it on, the places on his arms still not healed enough for him to walk outside without one. He put on some jeans and his black shoes, today it wasn't about looking the best, it was about trying to feel the best.

Phil didn't know what was going through Dan's mind, he just knew that Dan looked rough. He wanted to try and help, even if it was small things like offering to go on walks and playing video games with him.

After he came back downstairs and made sure he told his mom what he was doing, they went and walked to the park. They put the fact that Dan was crying only 5 minutes ago aside and tried to enjoy it.

Dan knew that this wouldn't end the bad thoughts in his head. The countless times that he is going to stay awake at night overthinking everything.

He's dealt with thoughts like this ever since his dad and brother left a few years ago. They've recently come back and stronger than ever, it feels like no one is there for him and no one is around. Even though he knows he has friends and people to talk to, it just feels like he doesn't. A part of him doesn't want to open up to anyone any more than he already has. Dan pushes these thoughts aside for a moment to try and listen to what Phil was saying. Talking about video games or animals or something.

Dan just wanted to go back home and get back in bed forever. He didn't want to leave, and as much as he wanted to see Phil at the same time he didn't. Dan was glad that Phil wanted to come over and make sure that he was okay, offering to take him on a walk and stuff to clear his mind but all he wanted to do was cry and not have to worry about doing it in front of people.

After about an hour they finally started walking back to their neighbourhood. When they got back to Dan's house, Phil finally left and Dan was alone. He was alone with his thoughts and his mind.

Dan was diagnosed with clinical depression when he was younger, he just didn't realise how bad it could get until recently. It wasn't only the realisation that he was gay it was also everything else that came with it and the fact that he knows Phil's mom won't take it as well as he did and he feels like it's his fault. Then comes back the memories of his dad leaving, him being blamed for it at first and then everyone just kind of let go of it.

He missed his brother sometimes, not his dad though. Dan's dad would constantly blame him for things and he would constantly have to hear about things that weren't even his fault anyway. He would've rather died than spend more time with him. Plus he didn't treat Dan's mother very well, would yell at her and push her around. It always became too much for Dan and he didn't like seeing her in that much pain.

His brother was his dads favourite and his brother chose to move with him. Now all Dan feels is if something happens to his brother that it's going to be his fault.

Dan wanted out, he wanted to escape the hell that he was constantly living. Trying to be good enough at school, putting on a fake smile when his mom came home so she wouldn't worry about him. Trying to be someone that he's not around Phil, and trying to push the feelings that he has about Phil down.

Everything was becoming too much and all he wanted to do was get away from it. He went to the bathroom where he kept his medicines for when he did take them. He got some sleeping pills, taking them with a cup of water.

He decided that he was going to write something. To his mother, and to Phil, the kid next door that didn't know him very well but he wanted to.

Dan wrote two separate notes.

Dear, Mom:

I'm sorry that you're having to see me like this. In pain and suffering, I've always wanted to hide it from you to have you not worry about me as much. I love you so much.

Dear, Phil:

This isn't your fault, none of this is. I've always known that I was different in some way or another. I just didn't realise it until you came into my life. Thank you for showing me that, and I'm sorry I've not got the chance to tell you that I love you. You opened my eyes to something that I never thought was a possibility, my sexuality.

Everything went black as Dan passed out on the floor, pale as a ghost.


	4. 04:00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: getting kicked out

When his mom came home from work that night, Phil came over to check on Dan once more before heading to bed for the night. He went upstairs into Dan's room to see his body laying on the ground. The notes that he wrote for them were beside him, and all Phil knew how to do at that moment was cry. He went downstairs to find Dan's mother.  
"What's wrong?" She looked at Phil with worry in her eyes.  
"Dan, it's Dan." Phil went back upstairs with Dan's mom following behind him.  
Phil decided to read the note that Dan had left for him while his mother called for an ambulance. Upon reading it he realised that Dan had the same feelings about him as he did Dan, he held his hand. The sight of Dan's cold, pale body was almost too much for him.  
After the ambulance got there, Dan was rushed to the hospital.  
"Phil? Are you okay with going?"  
"Yeah, of course, I just need to text my parents and tell them what I'm doing."  
After doing so, they went to the hospital and waited for Dan to wake up. His pulse was still there, and the doctors said that he should be okay. Now all they had to do was wait for him to wake up.  
Phil couldn't imagine what Dan was going through, the boy that he's fallen in love with since the first time that he saw him. He understood that it wasn't his fault, but that's all he could think about: what are ways that he could've stopped Dan from doing this in the first place. He didn't like to see Dan in pain and he was amazing at hiding it, but he knew something was off that day and didn't question it any further. Dan wasn't as smiley and bubbly as he normally is, even if he was trying to hide the pain that he was going through he was always smiling and trying to cheer people up.  
-  
Dan slowly opened his eyes, the white light blinding him as he did so. It was the first time that he'd been awake in what felt like forever. It had been almost 18 hours since he'd passed out from the pills.  
"Dan?" He saw his mom looking at him. "Thank god you're awake!"  
He saw someone else sleeping in the chair that was beside hers. Dan was able to make it out as Phil, he was there with his mom waiting for him to wake up.  
"How much longer do I have to be here?"  
"Probably a day or two," she hears Dan sigh.  
He knew that with whatever possibility of him making it would mean that they were going to shove antidepressants in his face and make him take them.  
"I'm sorry,"  
"Sorry for what?"  
"Putting you through that pain of seeing me passed out on the floor, thinking that I wasn't going to make it because, in reality, I didn't know I was going to make it either."  
Some realistic dream is what made him wake up.  
He was getting married, but not to a woman. Dan was getting married to Phil.  
"Dan, it's okay, I'm just glad that you're alive."  
Dan nodded, "Yeah me too,"  
-  
It was about an hour later, his mother had stepped out of the room for a bit. He saw Phil slowly waking up and coming to his senses.  
"Dan?"  
"Phil?"  
"Oh my god, I'm so glad that you're okay," Phil said, tears already coming down his face, "You had me so worried."  
"I know, I'm sorry,"  
Phil pulled Dan in for a hug the best that he could.  
"I hope that you know that none of this is your fault. There's a lot more behind it then just me being gay and realising my sexuality."  
"I know, Dan, I know. I just couldn't help but feel like that."  
Dan looked at Phil's eyes. He was still crying, but not as hard as before. His eyes were a light crystal blue colour, matching his black hair.  
He reached to Phil's face to wipe the tears that were falling from his eyes. Dan pulled Phil in for another hug, kissing the top of his head.  
"Thank you for caring about me,"  
His mom came back in the room and the boys separated, Phil going back to sit in the chair that he was napping in.  
-  
It was the day that Dan was finally getting out of the hospital. It had been a week since they put him in, and he'd been ready to get out since day one.  
He was glad to finally be back in his bed, the hospital beds were rock hard and the pillows felt like they weren't even there.  
It wasn't time for Phil to be home from school yet, so he knew that he wouldn't be over for another hour or two.  
Thinking about Phil sent butterflies to his stomach. This was what he would call falling in love with someone. He'd never thought about a person more in his life in the past week. Dan hated to see Phil cry over anything. He always wanted to pull him close to him and listen to his heartbeat.   
They've not discussed any of it, he told Dan that he read the letter but he didn't mention anything about the fact that Dan was in love with him.  
He knew the possibilities of Phil not liking him back were high, but he had a little hope.  
-  
Dan's mom is the one who let Phil in.  
He heard his name being called, so he went downstairs to see Phil crying.  
"My parents- they kicked me out,"  
"What'd they kick you out for?"  
"I told them that I was gay."  
Dan wasn't surprised about it, from what Phil had told Dan about his parents and where they came from. But he was angry, he didn't understand how someone could do that to their child.  
"Do you want to stay here?" Dan's mom asked, "We have a guest bedroom that you could use,"  
"That'd be lovely," Phil looked at her, "Thank you."  
She went upstairs to make sure that it was clean.  
When Dan knew that she was gone upstairs, he pulled Phil in for a hug.  
"I'm sorry that this has happened, Phil."  
"It's okay, I'll be fine, kind of expected it."  
Dan held him tight against his body, not wanting to let go.  
He finally did when he heard his mom coming back downstairs.  
"It should be fine to stay in if you want to show him where it is Dan."  
They went upstairs to the guest bedroom, Dan never went into it because it was mostly used for storage.  
Dan looked around at it, he didn't know what he was expecting to be in there. There was a bed, a dresser, and a few other furniture pieces that one would typically have in a bedroom.  
He looked back at Phil, he seemed to have relaxed a bit. Dan was glad to see that he wasn't crying any more.  
Phil went and sat on the bed, "Thank you for letting me stay here," he smiled at Dan.  
"Yeah, of course."  
"I'm glad you're out of the hospital."  
"Me too," Dan went and sat beside Phil.  
"Can we just lay here for a bit? I don't want to do anything else right now." Phil asked Dan.  
He nodded at Phil. That sounded like a good idea, he had just gotten out of the hospital and Phil was moving into his house.  
They both ended up falling asleep. Dan's mom woke them up for dinner, not expecting for them to be sharing a bed.  
"Dan, can I talk to you?" She asked, she wasn't going to tell them that they couldn't do that, but she was overall curious.  
They left Phil in the lounge and went into the kitchen.  
"Is this the boy you have a crush on?"  
Dan's face went red, he'd never really admitted it out loud and he felt that it was kind of weird that his mother was asking him about it.  
"Yeah, it is actually,"  
"Okay, I was just curious. You two seem to get along together."  
Dan went back and sat with Phil while she made dinner for the three of them.  
"Did you have a good nap?" Dan asked.  
"Yeah, how about you?"  
"It was okay,"  
"I have a question," Phil said, not looking at Dan.  
"Which is?"  
"Can we do that more often?"  
"What? Sleep in the same bed?"  
"Yeah, unless you don't want to then just forget about it."  
"I would like nothing more," Dan smiled at Phil. He liked sharing a bed with Phil because he was warm and good at cuddling.  
"After dinner, I want to ask you a few things if that's okay," Phil turned and looked at Dan. He was going to ask about his feelings, and he wanted to know what he meant in the note.  
Dan nodded, the only thing that could go through his mind then was rejection. He feared that Phil was going to make him knock it off, and he was scared that Phil didn't want to cuddle with him or even be with him like that.  
-  
They ate dinner and went back upstairs, but this time they went to Dan's room instead. He had a bigger bed and it was the room that the boys were most familiar with.  
"What did you mean by your note?" Phil asks, "I mean, I just want to know your feelings behind it."  
"What do you think?" Dan shrugs, "Do you want the truth?"  
Phil nodded.  
"Right, I've had a crush on you since you moved here."  
Phil looks at Dan in shock. That's not what he expected, but he honestly didn't know what he expected for Dan to say.  
Maybe 'I meant it as a friend lets not go any farther than that!'  
"I know you probably hate me now or whatever it's fine." Dan sighs.  
Phil then did something that came as a shock to both of them. His soft lips connected with Dan's, it was only for a few seconds.  
Dan thought he was dreaming, Phil gave the best kisses as well.  
"I didn't know how else to show you how much you meant to me in any other way," His eyes were shining a brighter colour now. One of fear, but not of regret. "I love you too, Dan."  
"I thought surely that you wouldn't like me back, Phil." This was overwhelming for Dan. He hadn't kissed anyone since his ex-girlfriend and she was terrible at it. She wasn't very great at cuddling either.  
But he didn't know these things until he was with Phil, even for a few seconds. He could be dreaming, but this was his high and he was going to ride it out.  
He wasn't high on sexual attraction, more like romantic attraction so strongly for someone that he doesn't know what else to do but cry.  
"Of course I do,"  
Phil pulled Dan in to hold him, and that's how they fell asleep that night. Dan was against his chest, with his hands around him. He felt safe like this like nothing was going to hurt him, and that was the best feeling in the world. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much if you've read all the way through this. I will be going back and reading over it soon to make sure i fixed any mistakes. i hope you enjoyed and i hope this wasn't too bad. i went on hiatus because i was feeling 'writers block' i didn't have any inspiration and school was kicking my ass. i'm really proud of how this came out(it was supposed to come out in May).   
if you want to read on tumblr: https://phanfictrashalex.tumblr.com/post/184839481631/yellow-masterlist

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is reading this, I'm finally back from hiatus.


End file.
